I will NOT lean in.
I will NOT #BanBossy
What I will do, is continue on in my routine of being a full-time working mother of two. I will continue to praise my children, to love them, to teach them right from wrong and I don’t need some high powered executive offering up her “advice” on how to do it all!
Lean In is fabulous for women who don’t have children.
Lean In is amazing for women who have the financial means to be assured their children are well taken care of while they are busy leaning in. However, those women have to be ok with other people raising their children while they are working.
How does Lean In help the working mom that needs to pay the bills, make dinner, give the kids a bath, get them bed and start it all over the next day? All of this with little sleep and feelings of guilt because they “hurried up” their children to get out the door so they could get to work somewhat on time in order to make the money!
It’s fabulous to tell women to lean in when you’re powerful enough in your company that you can work from home as needed so you’re at least physically present. It’s wonderful to tell women they have the power and can be all they can be but my problem with leaning in is that a) I don’t want to b) who would take care of my children and c) will it hurt my children in the long run if mommy wasn’t around for dinners, games, stories, hugs, playtime and more?
Above all else, I am a mother. I made a conscience decision to have my children. The moments they were born my entire universe shifted to make them the center. Unless you are a mother you can not comment on children being the center of ones universe. If you are a mother and you don’t get it, then I’m sorry for you
Yes….my point here is hoo-rah for Sheryl Sandberg! She has a big job, big bank account and wants to empower women. Does she want me to ban bossy when my daughter is being bossy? How about when my son is being bossy? Is it ok then because nobody seems to worry about hurting his ego! Does she want to watch my kids when they are sick with a virus for a week so I can lean in? She better get prepared to stay for two weeks though because once that first kid gets over the virus the second one usually gets it. If she’s here I can clear my conscience of my kids that are sick, for the 5th time in a row in one season, and go off to work to lean in. I can ignore the fact that my babies only want their mommy when they are sick. Nope, sorry, that just isn’t me. That just isn’t any of the mothers I know that are JUST TRYING TO GET BY without screwing up our kids!!
It’s ok though, I’m NOT leaning in like Sheryl said!
It’s easy to say “lean in” when you have the monetary support to work things out and the ability to override mom guilt in order to get a job done. In my world the most important job that I choose is my children.
Am I letting my gender down because I don’t choose to aspire to be more than a 9-5 working mom that only works for additional income. Yes, there are people that work just to make money. There are people that work, only to pay the bills. Most of those people don’t even make that much money!
If I had a choice I would lean in to my family.
I would not work.
I would make cookies from Pinterest so my kids could bring them for every holiday and do laundry to alleviate the mountains I now have in my house. I would make tutus, sew dresses and embroider superheroes onto all my son’s shirts. That isn’t my reality though.
My reality is I have to work to help support my family.
Which, I think, is why I can’t stand Sheryl Sandberg even more. How about coming out with a campaign to support the working mom?? I see so many support stay at home moms initiatives. Where is the campaign that says “I know you’re tired but you know not to complain about it because nobody wants to hear about it”? Where is the campaign that supports me because I work full time outside of the house AND run a house AND raise my children?!
No thanks Sheryl I’m too involved with raising my children and working to lean in!!!
NEXT……
I will NOT ban bossy!
The whole campaign itself seems so BOSSY!!
Ugh I can’t stand all this stuff. Banning the word bossy is NOT going to help remind my daughter that she can be a future leader, if I continue encouraging and praising her, she will know. It will be rooted into her soul how wonderful she is because I taught her about her amazingness.
Now back to all the hoopla about banning bossy here is what I am behind instead of #BanBossy
Shot@Life-Do you know that every 20 seconds a child in a developing country dies of a vaccines preventable death and people are more interested in banning A WORD!! I don’t care if the word can have a different meaning or what- get over it!
No Kid Hungry-How about we make sure children in America have food on the table. Let’s make sure their bellies are full before we worry if a word like Bossy will damage their future
Save the Children- Do you know what will happen to your child if disaster strikes? After Hurricane Katrina it was 6 months before the final child was reunited with their parents. Save the Children works to literally save our children! Do you think if we ban bossy it will save children after a tornado or flood ran through their home town?
Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation- childhood cancer is the leading cause of death for children under the age of 15 in the US. Will banning bossy help us find a cure for these children that NEED one?
March of Dimes-March of Dimes is an organization dedicated to improving the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality. Let’s fund research and advance screenings to deliver healthier babies. I bet those moms won’t mind the word bossy
There are people in the world with NO access to clean water, children dying of diarrhea and families that can’t afford to out meals on the table. Can we PLEASE talk about HOW we will help them instead of banning a word
I could not agree more. The world needs more innovators and more children willing to stand up for what they believe in. If that requires them to be a bit “bossy” than I am all for it!
Agreed Heather!!!!
Well said
I agree too. I have found myself guilty and inadequate lately because I have told my kids to hurry up or had to work instead of doing XYZ with them. Special Person’s Tea at school gives me hives because I know I can’t get there and I don’t know anyone within 2 hours of here that is special enough to my kid to go to tea with them (who is not going to tea with their own kid that day!) I don’t have a problem telling my niece she is beautiful, just like I tell my sons they are handsome. I also tell them all they are smart and brave and caring yada yada…but they are beautiful too and should know that.
The other campaign that drives me nuts is the “No presents please” parents put on cards…a donation to XYZ instead…I’m going to bring something for your kid…because it makes ME feel good and I think your kid is pretty cool – and I don’t think it is your right as a parent to make decisions for your 3 year old to donate their presents. When your kid is old enough to request that, fine. But it seems like we are taking away all of the fun for kids that we enjoyed…(how would we have felt if our moms said we were not allowed a present for our birthday and needed to give all our presents to someone else?). For a kid that does not build the spirit of giving, it brings resentment. I’ll build their understanding of charity and selflessness in other ways. *end rant*
I’m glad you posted this. I am blissfully unaware of the whole Lean In thing but I did hear the new trend about banning Bossy. Things like this do not prepare our children for the real world. Instead, it shelters them.
I admit, I haven’t been following the BanBossy trend… because I am too busy managing a career, taking care of kiddos, fixing meals and fixing boo-boos….which sounds like what you are doing too 🙂
How are you managing all that??? 😉 Rock on girl!!!
Thank you for posting this. I couldn’t agree more.
Thanks Marissa!!! Keep up the great work doing what you’re doing!!
Thank YOU Marissa!! I love knowing I am not alone!
YES! (Picture me doing back flips and cheering you on with a megaphone.)
I also wrote a post in response to the whole concept of leaning in. While I do understand her point for sure, there is something about the term she chose that just irked me. There is just something about the whole notion of leaning that does not site right with me. The same goes with the “ban bossy” concept. There is something behind the verbiage that makes a point, but the campaign seems to take the concept too far – at least in my opinion.
YES Jessica, EXACTLY!! There is something about it from day one that just doesn’t sit right with me. My husband said to me early on how it’s easy to say all this stuff when you have so much access. I think that’s a huge part of why it bothers me so much. I feel it just misses the working moms that work because we have to WORK! It somehow negates our place in the working world and seems to belittle it, in my opinion.
Amen! I’d much rather ban hunger and poverty and senseless violence – not to mention mismatched socks, bitter coffee, and the stomach big at 2am. At the end of your life, leaning in to a job won’t matter one tiny bit….leaning in to your family will. Great post, Sarah!
Brandi, oh yes!!! ALL OF THAT!! YES!!! When I go one day I want to know I made every mom with my family count and spent as much time as possible with them
Thanks so much Brandi!! After the 2am stomach bug when I got to my job because I have to pay the bills the last thing I want to hear is to lean in or ban bossy!
I agree Sarah. Lean into your family and be proud of that. At the end of the day, when you sit down and ask yourself what really matters, it will be that, what you have done with and for your family. Having children and raising them when looking at our whole lifespan is such a small part of it. Who would want to miss that? It isn’t worth it to miss that. I waited my whole life to have children. Like you said, I chose that path and I chose to make them my priority. I wouldn’t have it any other way. When they are sick, tired, having a bad day, or having fun on a snow day, there is nothing I want more than to be with them. Those are the times we will look back on and smile at NOT the times that we were at work. It makes me sad to see children that aren’t made to feel like they are a priority:(
Oh Lauryn!! I have always been madly in love with you 😉 Isn’t it sad that children that aren’t made to feel like they are a priority! I will not do that in my family. My children know that they always come first to both me and Rob. No matter what!!
I have heard of the Ban Bossy campaign but not Lean In. Honestly I’m too busy with my main gig, motherhood, to bother. I wish that women would realize that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. Their priorities aren’t mine, nor are mine theirs. That’s okay. No need to create a hashtag to tell anyone else how they should be living life. Great post. Carry on, my friend!
Thanks Lindsay!! I think a huge part of my problem is that when trying to do the best that you can, knowing it’s not always enough for your children, then feel like I am being told what i should be doing makes me mad. I feel bossed around
There are some words I’m more than happy to bad (#endtheword) but bossy sure isn’t one of them. Thanks for the reminder of the MANY things more important to worry about.
There are also too many rules for how to be better moms and how to raise better daughters. Let’s just spend time with our families – that includes dads and boys! – and see how they end up. Let them know they are loved – it means SO much more than having the money to buy them every thing they want. I always thought parenting wasn’t about me… it’s about these little ones under my feet. When I think only about myself, I end up showing them they aren’t the priority. That’s the exact opposite of what I want!
YES Carrie!! I feel the same, parenting isn’t about me it’s about making my children the priority!! Also way worse words in the world then bossy. PS…I just called my son bossy!
I love your rant, but I need some additional info because I must have missed the “lean in” term. What does it imply? Regarding the bossy ban, I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. Give me a real break! I had to reply to Sheila of Care.com on her blog post in support of #banbossy. She finally approved my comment, days after I wrote it, and here it is:
Sheila,
I’m glad being called Bossy didn’t hold you back or handicap you in any way. I was told “don’t be bossy” as a child when I would try to tell my sister what to do. It didn’t hold me back either, as I went on to become a manager and I’m now running my own business.
It’s ridiculous to try to ban words. #1 You can’t reasonably enforce it, #2 It’s a slippery slope in the land of free speech.
To claim that this word negatively targets women is far-fetched, even if we make a good argument about it. I tell my 4yr old to stop being bossy every time he tells one of us what we should be doing. My male cousin was also warned not to act bossy when he stepped out of line. Bossy doesn’t mean something sexually discriminatory. If feminists keep doing this, they’re going to lose credibility and soon will look like a group of catty women instead of a force of equality.
Posted by: Rhapsody | March 18, 2014 at 09:47 AM
Rhapsody I LOVE LOVE LOVE your response ESPECIALLY ” If feminists keep doing this, they’re going to lose credibility and soon will look like a group of catty women instead of a force of equality.” AND I am a feminist but you know they are the loudest and most extreme of every group!!!!
Amen!
My thoughts on the whole #BanBossy crap….sometimes bossy is JUST plain ol’ bossy and not a sign of leadership skills. I am the mom of 3, I was a Cub Scout Leader for 6 years, and I am the Girl Scout Leader of 14 girls. Trust me, sometimes bossy is born out of meanness, getting their own way, being spoiled, etc. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH LEADERSHIP!!!!!!!!!!
So, I too, will be continuing to raise my own children in the way I see fit and lead by example.
Agreed. I was bossy growing up (and called such) and now my husband would agree that I still am a bit bossy. Oops, it’s just me being me. As a kid mostly it meant I overstepped boundaries (being the oldest sibling thinking I knew everything), while few times it meant I had a helpful take-charge approach. NO need to ban the word – which is actually quite silly and a severe step backwards for the anti-bullying campaign. I’ve seen plenty of boys and girls overstep themselves, and agree that mostly being bossy is outright mean, arrogant or out of a sense of entitlement. And those children should be reminded not to be bossy in such circumstances. Bossy can equal bully… not always, but if we ban the word we are not correcting such negative verbal bullying either. A word is a word and I wish people would stop focusing on labels and redirect that energy/time as the article suggests to bigger issues. My 4 yr old daughter has a slight tendency to be bossy – I guess she got that from me. We remind her of nicer ways to play or share with friends, ask for favors, etc. The positive or leadership traits associated with being bossy per the campaign are things we look to call as being outspoken and having a sense of independence and individuality. So while the campaign states the word bossy has a negative meaning… I agree it does for the most part… but that it is necessary and should not be banned. After all the word “jerk” has it’s place in society.
Bravo! Bravo! I also feel like she doesn’t understand the average working parent and how some of us are just trying to pay the bills. No nanny. No housekeeper. Just spinning plates and smiling while I hug my family.
Awesome post! I am tired of always made to feel inadequate because of all the stuff I can’t(or won’t) do, and never acknowledge for what I already do!
I love Sheryl Sandberg. I love Lean In and I Love Ban Bossy. Love. For Lean In, the bottom line for me is that her target audience is women who want more from their careers. She’s saying that we need more women in leadership roles and to be in leadership you have to lean in to your career. I’ve heard the argument that it’s easy for her to say because she has money. But she addresses that in the book. She acknowledges it and gives advice and tools that can help the “average” woman. It’s a well researched excellently written book. But, it isn’t for everyone. I get it. As for ban bossy. I thinks she’s really saying that we have to stop people from calling boys assertive and girls bossy. We have to recognize that we do that and be concious about it. I don’t see her trying to tell parents how to parent, but to make a culture movement. I applaud her. And I applaud you for leaning in to your family and your job and doing them both as well as you can. Beause that’s leaning in too. And I think Sheryl would applaud you too.
So right now, after a long day of work then straight to children’s activities my daughter has 102 fever. That stresses me in many ways because I’m worried will her temp keep going up, when will the meds kick in and how long will she be sick. When you have the pressure of childcare and the worry of children I don’t want added pressure of leaning in to career AND I do not feel anyone in a financial situation like Sheryl’s is fit to give me advice. I want realistic advice from my friends that are just trying to get by like I am.
I see it more like boys are bullies and girls are bossy… both can equally be assertive just as both can be know-it-all types. And of course either can be called bullies or bossy but if this is a boy vs girl thing… I don’t think assertive is the right adjective and I don’t think it’s a worthwhile campaign banning a word.
I have worked in childcare for years, plus years and years of babysitting. I have never referred to a male child as “assertive” if he’s being bossy. He’s just “bossy.” Not sure where all these people who think bossy is only for girls are…
I think SS’s advice works for women like her. I have read her book and yeah I get it–traditional leadership traits that are revered in men and frowned up for women. I disliked her anecdotes of how much time she spent with her young children, even though she can afford quality child care. That’s not how I want my kids to remember me. As the country song says–“I ain’t never seen a hearse with a luggage rack.” No one is ever on their death bed saying their biggest regret is not spending more time at work.
Not everyone is dealt the same cards. I spent one day last week with a mom who has little education, born into poverty. She puts her son (with disabilities) on the bus every day at 7:00 am, and due to his unique needs he has to travel one hour, one way to get to his special needs school. She then takes public transportation to her just-over-minimum wage job. A relative gets her son off the bus at 4:30 and watches him until 6:30 or 7 when Mom gets home. To even suggest that I should tell a mom like that to “lean in” or “ban bossy” is ludicrous. We still can’t even get society to not call her the n-word or her son the r-word. I’m pretty sure “banning bossy” is not on her radar.